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It seems to me like someone needs to drop Elo's 4chan bullshit off the front page, and so it has fallen to me.
And what better way for me to do that than to tell you all about the dark times that are coming for humanity, and to give you the reassurances you need to not lose hope?
Now, we all know the world is ending three years from now, but that apocalypse is still too far away for humanity's most hateful arch-nemesis: the deadly, burninating hordes of Blue Laser. Luckily for us, there have always been brave heroes who may be fighting for freedom (and are each sold separately). Probably battling evil, for years they have kept us safe from the blue laser menace... but no longer!
You read correctly, my fellow NWTJites: no longer content with subliminal messages, Blue Laser has created their next cunning weapon of destruction, which is close to becoming reality! Thanks to lavish bribes to the foolish so-called scientists at our unwitting campuses of higher learning, research is in progress to fashion blue laser light into a powerful hypno-ray to turn you and yours into the mindless pawns of the Establishment.
Coupled with evolving scientific research into the creation and domestication of undead zombies, it's clear to see that there is a silent coup in the works, and we can trust no-one. The future may very well consist of tightly packed cities of the Living Dead, controlled from a central location by blue laser light. Ask yourself, do you trust the government with such power? When the forces of supervillainy raise their ugly heads to subjugate Earth, who shall stand? Who CAN stand against such terrible power?
Even if the government is on our side, they simply haven't got the resources to fight against this menace: with the world's most militarily advanced nation already busy fighting a War on Drugs, a War on Terror, a War on Porn, and a variety of other wars to boot, it's ridiculous to expect them to be able to help you against such a truly diabolical enemy... or to expect their secretly corrupt, untrustworthy mass-media to tell you the horrible truth!
Don't be afraid, however - there's no need to get worked up. The answer should be obvious from any number of Saturday morning cartoons: the world is crying out for superheroes. The time for make-believe is over: it's time to take matters into your own hands. Forget competent armed forces, democratic government, gun control laws, proper training, due process and personal hygene - the time has come to don spandex, dip yourself in a vat of whatever volatile substance is handy, join the World Superhero Registry, get your butt out of the house, jump in your superhero-mobile and start fighting crime!
If you're not of prime crime-fighting potency, don't have a latter-day superpower, and are unwilling to experiment with radioactivity, there is still hope, however. Escape into another world may be possible, provided that you can sufficiently deaden your brainwaves to resist the mind-control beams and convincingly masquerade as one of the living dead when they come for you. Some of us have more practice at this than others, but I trust that all of NWTJ will band together when the end comes.
Beyond that, of course, there is the spiritual option: as we know from TV, no amount of dread mind-control power can compete with the mental and psychic strength of a true believer, and those anointed by God need not fear the undead. There has never been a better time to let Jesus into your life, and there has never been a more effective medium for achieving such enlightenment than Lego. Go and learn from the Gospel, my children, and ye shall be saved!
Understandably, not all of us consider escape into MMORPGs a preferable alternative to life as a laser-zombie, however, and not everyone can unthinkingly buy in to the kind of crazy ass bullshit associated with Christianity. Oh ye of little faith! Fear not, for you can still be saved: all you need is exposure to a simpler, more internally consistent religion and you too can be repelling mind-control beams and pronouncing grim judgement upon the undead with the most Holy.
One such religion of power and convenience is Factology, also known as "Nuwaubu". It may be a little difficult to get in initially, but it's well worth the time you save overall. It's not blasphemy to want to save a bit of time when the fate of the world is at stake, is it? Of course not! It's a fact that when you're having trouble with blind acceptance, it is best to limit the amount of obscure tenets that you have to recall and convince yourself of. So here's the good news: Nuwaubianism is so easy, anyone can play! If you can make yourself believe that black people used to be green and that our planet is hollow and inhabited on the inside by "underground people", you're as good as a Nuwaubian priest. Faithfully accept that a meteor crashing into the Earth changed the human race into what it is today, that everyone has 7 clones, and that humans are the product of Martian cloning experiments, and you might as well be an apostle. Now grab a shotgun, bless some water, and get ready for the hard part.
Survival! |
Blue Laser Attacks! Superheroes GO!
Ranneko: Is it too late to bring back the silly periodic table?
Lunzo: This is an old school, completely random post. Awesome work Grubs!
GrubLord: We haven't had enough old-school NWTJ bullshit recently. That was one of my favourite things about NWTJ, so I figured it was time for a revival. 
teh_saq: The Lego sîŧe îs ŧrüŀÿ awesome, a ŀoŧ of ŧîme and efforŧ wenŧ înŧo ŧhaŧ, îmagîne ŧhe sîże of hîs coŀŀecŧîon!
